not entirely perfect
Written Listened Photographed Tweeted Archive RSS Ask me anything
Menu

  1. boogie man

    I never had insomnia until I moved out on my own.  At first, I didn’t know how to deal with it.  I tried drinking, which helped for awhile.  Sleep meds, herbal remedies, relaxation techniques, exercise all didn’t work.  For the most part, I had the basic case of lying in bed at night and just not being able to force my eyes closed.  Not for any particular reason necessarily, I just couldn’t relax myself enough to sleep.  I hoped it was my body’s way of trying to adapt and deal with the stress of a new situation, but I now know that, at least for now, having insomnia is mostly a way of life for me.  I just don’t sleep much during the week, trying to catch up with naps on the weekends when I can, but overall I just don’t get as much sleep as I would like to.  Me, and a ton of other people in the world.  It could be worse.

    So, I’ve dealt with being an insomniac, but what I don’t think I’ll ever be able to properly deal with is the insomnia that I like to call the “boogie monster”.  Reflecting on my past experiences, I am inclined to believe that it only happens when you are exhausted.  I get it a lot when I’m hungover or sick.  Boogie monster insomnia is when all you want to do is sleep, but you can’t.  Not because your body is out of balance, but because your mind decides to torture you.  The simplest thought ends up pulling you into a wormhole of analysis until you end up completely consumed with thoughts and your mind is churning so quickly, it makes you feel physically ill.  For example, you can think about a storm you can hear rolling in from the distance and how you can’t wait to smell the rain.  Then you remember the guy you dated in high school that used to chase storms with you.  Then the fact that he stopped calling and you never found out why.  Then the fact that he probably left because he had bigger dreams than you and likely has is life together, while yours seems like such a disaster.  Then the fact that you’ve thought about what you want so much that it seems like it’s wrong for you.  Then that shit is never going to get better.  

    No matter where your thoughts start, you end up running through negatives and ‘what if’ scenarios until you feel utterly hopeless.  Trying to save yourself by being optimistic is futile.  There comes a point in the night where you are defeated and you resign yourself to just lie there and take the beating.  The night becomes the bully that knows you are afraid of the dark. He locks you in the darkest closest he can find, and all you can do is try to stay calm and breathe, hoping that you can make it until he’s ready to let you out.  You can’t talk to anyone because you are alone and it’s 3am.  Even though it’s not true, you feel like everyone in the world is sleeping peacefully while your brain feels like it’s unraveling.  You can try moving.  Getting up for a shot of vodka from the freezer or a smoke in a dim living room, but as soon as you release your weight onto the bed again, it starts.  There isn’t any escape.  

    Morning finds you physically and emotionally destroyed, and although you attempt to greet the sunrise with a sense of accomplishment because you survived the night (barely), deep down you know that today is going to be difficult.  The darkness, the negativity, will linger in the back of your mind and will overshadow every move you make.  The exhaustion mixed with the defeat will have you fighting back angry outbursts or desperate tears all day.  It will take work to shake the remnants, but the darkness will fade eventually, with some love and much needed sleep.  Until then, all you can do is breathe and hope that the boogie man stays hidden in the abyss under your much loved bed until you can recover.  

    24 February, 2012
    Tagged as personal mine tired defeated
    Notes (22)

    2. 22 notes

    1. blackpaintrecords said: Truth.
    2. andthentherewasglitz said: This is beautifully written and resonates with me. I tried Ambien recently to deal with insomnia and while it works, it also affects my mood and personality. I’m weaning myself off of it and am dreading the upcoming sleepless nights
    3. viewtoakel posted this
Info

I'm Kel. I like music and naming inanimate objects. I hate bees.

tumblr analytics