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The Walkmen - Line By Line
Perfect night? Maybe. Beautiful weather, patio and windows open, all the lights off only a few candles, a vodka soda and these tunes. Yes, perfect night.
Also, Shira, you would love this song. All of the rest of you, if you don’t love this song, you’re dumb.
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I was late for work this morning, and I actually woke up way earlier than I normally do. I started rolling around with Lou and lost track of time. I pinch his little nub tail and bite his neck. We play growl at each other. We are generally a disgusting mess of love. I was thinking this morning about how it wasn’t always this way.
About two and a half years ago, I decided I wanted another dog. I scanned rescue sites and found a dog I really wanted, but then found out that my phone call was an hour too late because the dog I wanted to meet had been adopted. I went back to looking, but I was discouraged and no dogs caught my attention, except Lou (who was then named August). I went to an adoption event and met him, with his tiny body and old man face. He was an asshole. He snapped at the adoption lady, shit on the sidewalk, barked at whatever he wanted and took toys away from all of the other dogs. They told me that he was found tied to a light post in the parking lot of the local humane society. I assume now because he likely bit someone. Although he was house broken and kind of knew how to sit, it was clear he needed a lot of work. He was an asshole, but I still wanted him.
He was high strung and never listened or sat still. He had to be muzzled at the vet when I first took him, and he even bit me once. He was extremely territorial and arrogant. After the first two days, I thought about taking him back. I couldn’t believe I was so intimidated by a 20 pound animal. Instead of giving up, I decided to make him my best project ever. I spent the next year breaking down his territory and his dominance. I trained him to sit and speak. I taught him my rules, my alpha rules, but it’s tough training a dog with two people around all the time. Inconsistency is always the worst enemy. After my ex and I split, Lou was just mine, and I still had a ton of work to do. We’ve been a happy duo for over a year and he has been a dream. I am not at all concerned about him snapping or biting me or anyone else. He no longer needs a muzzle at the vet. He doesn’t bark incessantly, even when all of the other dogs in my building are barking. He plays gently and submits to me always. He respects the routines of our days. He knows exactly what I expect from him and tries with everything he has to deliver. We are 100% devoted to each other.
Animals, just like people, constantly need work. With hard work there is improvement and with improvement comes strength. People and animals are so easy to dismiss if they don’t fit into a nice, comparable little package. The bottom line is, we are who we are, but we all want to be better. No one wants anyone to give up on them, and no one learns about life or themselves by simply walking away. It’s not easy being an alpha. I feel like the bad guy a lot, but he loves and respects me for it. In retrospect, the small amount of time I’ve invested in Lou has turned out to be one of the most priceless investments I’ve ever made… and I could have walked away.
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So, this is the picture used on the We Are Hunted app on spotify for a Rufus Wainwright song. Every time I see it I think about how it has to be one of the worst artist photos I’ve ever seen. Ever. But then I google image searched Mr. Wainwright and all of this photos are the worst artist photos of all time. ALL OF THEM.
It’s the best worst thing ever. If you have a few spare moments, do yourself a favor and google him. Seriously.
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Roy Ayers - Everybody Loves The Sunshine
I wasn’t going to go see him tonight, simply because I’m bratty about having to go to things like this alone. I rallied and got there about 20 minutes before he started. It was PACKED. The one thing I love about jazz/funk festivals in Atlanta is that they become like a huge block party. People share their food and their drinks. People encourage their kids to play together. People make jokes and sing and dance with absolute strangers. It’s tough being by yourself at a festival, but it wasn’t at this one for long. The family next to me made me a Crown & coke and “adopted” me for the night. I guess I didn’t hide the fact that I was pouting. After a few more drinks, the grandfather of said family looked at me, just as Roy started this song, grabbed my hand and said “I’ve always wanted to adopt a cute white girl that is sweet as molasses”. And we danced. And it was the best night. I’m such an ass for almost not going. Also, Mr. Ayers still got it. INCREDIBLE.
Now who’s coming over to help me drink all of this beer?
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Have you ever felt that you really needed someone, but you had no idea who that someone was?
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because I’m weird.
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From time to time, I check some Last.fm pages to get suggestions on stuff to listen to.
I have a higher level of respect for people that listen to many songs at least twice in a row. I really appreciate musical obsession.
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- I watched a lot of movies in the past week. Avengers, Chronicle and We Need To Talk About Kevin all get my seal of approval. That seal has no real value whatsoever. Also, Lost In Translation may be inching up the list to be my favorite movie of all time.
- Due to a week of ATL to PIT, PIT to SFO, SFO to ATL… I have not listened to nearly enough music, I have no idea what time it is and would really like to eat home cooked food. My plans for the weekend are to try to get back on EST and be super lazy.
- Lou snugs. Most of you will never know such a joy, and for that I am truly sorry.
- I got to spend the night in my sister’s dorm, watch her graduate and help her pack up and drive away from the biggest chapter so far in her life. I’m eternally grateful that I was the one she wanted to share that with. I’ll never forget it.
- Two weeks and days until I don’t have to get on a plane. I’m happy on so many levels. Penis shenanigans.
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I’ll be there for my friends when they need me, every time, without a doubt or hesitation. I will make time when I know my friends need it. I do nice things for my friends whenever I can. I honestly think about my friends all the time. I sincerely enjoy the time I spend with them. I love them like family. HOWEVER… I’m fucking selfish. I’m a fucking introvert. I procrastinate. I get wrapped up in certain parts of my life from time to time. If I don’t have shit to say, I can’t make shit up. Sometimes, I just want to be alone. There are times when its a struggle to get through the day, and all I want to say is, “today sucked” and that’s it.
This is why I don’t have many female friends. I can meet one of my guy friends and bullshit about baseball or music and never once have to talk about my relationship, my sex life or my feelings. I can call one of my guy friends that I haven’t spoken to in months and ask him a favor, and he’ll do it without acting like he has a chip on his shoulder because “I thought we weren’t friends because we haven’t talked in forever”. I can get a text from one of my guy friends and not respond because I don’t have anything to say, and that doesn’t mean OH MY GOD WE AREN’T TALKING. I can ask my guys friends for advice and I never think that they are sugarcoating anything or lying.
Now, I’m not saying that women are impossible friends. I’m just saying that I have trouble finding women who understand how I operate in a friendship. I have a few friends who are just like me and they are cherished. I know I can count on them, and them me, no matter what or when or how often we are around, because it’s unconditional… but because I need things this way, my friendships with females are rare. It’s sounds terribly bitchy, I know, and I honestly do try, but as much as I try to be a die hard devoted 24-7 best friend forever, I just can’t. And I’ve stopped apologizing for it. I guess I have to be okay with the fact that I fail at certain things, and this is one of them.
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When things get tough in my life, when I wade through one of those periodic waves of everything going to shit all at once, I immediately panic and try to prevent anymore pain… forever. I pick apart my life, looking for all of the ways I might get hurt in the future and try to rationalize eliminating many of the things that make me the happiest, just in case it might hurt later.
The truth is, pain is a huge part of life. It is inevitable and unavoidable. Attempting to avoid pain is avoiding truly living. I want to be happy, without constantly trying to predict the outcome. It’s scary, sometimes terrifying, to think about where I may end up, but trusting in happiness makes my heart I feel alive, and that is worth any amount of risk. Someone told me recently to “have fun, but be careful”, and it all became clear. There is no careful. No matter how hard you attempt to predict the outcome of your actions, you can’t. You can’t know how other people, other moments, or other elements will influence your life. What you think is protective probably isn’t. There is no way to shelter yourself from what life has in store for you. ”Careful” is simply sacrificing huge chunks happiness in this amazingly mysterious life we were blessed with.
I’m going try very hard to just live and know that no matter where I end up, I’ll survive pain.
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My baby sister opens her senior art show today! I can’t with how awesome she is.
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That’s what she told me, as I looked at the lifeless shell that was left behind. She said that he talked about me all the time, and that he loved me. He was the only father I had for 10 years of my life. He taught me strength. He taught me passion. He showed me that as long as you are who you truly are, you can do no wrong.
“Look now, you can’t make them love you, you can only be you.”
I will remember that always. I wish I had a chance to tell him how important to me he really was. What I wouldn’t give for one last embrace. He gave the best hugs and the best love.
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- Anxiety is a whore.
- Don’t expect people to be more than what you know they are. Accept people for who you know they are, and if you need more than that, find it somewhere else.
- Miserable mean people will always be miserable and mean.
- Often times, doing the right thing sucks hard, but it’s still the right thing.
- You can like your ex-husband’s fiance, like a lot. You can even think she’s kinda badass.
- It’s okay to be proud of yourself and confident in who you are.
- You can use grief and pain as inspiration to be better. Nothing memorializes someone better than being better in your memories of them.
- I have much in my life to be grateful for. I need to quit being a whiny bitch.
- Beer is the best medication ever.
I'm Kel. I like music and naming inanimate objects. I hate bees.
